dont make me crying, my girl

I DONT want to think that we arent meant to be and i dont want that to be true. I like you a lot, but I just cannot say “love” yet. “love” is a strong word and im afraid to say it because i am scared of falling in love because i forgot how to be love and you show me how..and now i know how but im scared and scared to say those three words. you dont really know the whole story of my life, its getting hard for me to trust myself in a relationship. I just cant say it till im ready and not scared again.
I dont even understand my emotions its been unstable lately. emotions changes a lot. I cannot figure out why, its seem like im gave up on my life, ready to be gone not being able to breath again or awake in this shit damn fake world.

how things isnt possible?

Everything is breaking apart right now.
How I pick up a million pieces and get them glue back again?

There is a million thoughts i had…
And i want to share…
But Its hard to explain,
its all inside my head..

all i want to do is cry all day and night..
just to thinking how can this be happend..?
HOW possible i will if i made it great?

every hours ive been enter backward and tpying again, but enter backward again…
to find the right word for this is hard..
how i would tell this.

Life right now, just got bad and down.
my roommate are leaving in few days..
my hearing friends are getting apart..
and i know its normal…
but it shouldnt be because they are great..
and i liked them.
Going to the old school..
stuck in prison again,
sometimes i wish id go back and say no to IEP meeting.
sometimes i wish id go back and do a lot of stuff that will realized me a lot.

School in Prison isnt fun.
its all wrap with fence
like pravite school for all the deaf.
Going back to one world where i belong again,
going back to deaf world where i can use my hands again
going back where i couldnt learning to speak and hearing..
Things like this will be missed out
And i dont want that to be happening
I  just hope that different friends will come along and show me what its like to speaking and hearing again.

All i can do is waiting and waiting
and hopes a lot.

new thing, new thought.

Lately months ago, I start something new in life. I moved different school in south Salem. It pretty awesome and i really liked it. I learn a lot stuff and i realized that things are getting serious.

I can tell difference between SEE and ASL. In my school, its very identily SEE, and i tried blended into ASL with them, but i barely understand…and now i learn a lot. To tell the truth, its not cool. ASL is very cool…

 

Life is alright, even its throught bad time. I made new friends..I made good grades, but i can tell that ive changed. Which isnt good. I think it just happend how it goes. I start to smoke a lot now. I tried to recude deserately for cigetteres. I tried to not smell it, i tried to not touch it, i tried to not smoke it and breath it into my mouth.

But i felt i failed, because i did it again.
but its normal….right?
I just really hoping that i could make it and be finish with it by in the time.

I know you might be pissed if you are reading…but this is public and i had right to say what i want to. And i know that you would look me as different way after you finish with this.

Anyway, So there is a girl name Amanda, I really liked her. But till my friend Cosette told me that she talk shit about me and think im gross. I felt so disappointed, and i decide to play the game back but until i found that she doesnt say that to her, she doesnt say that in that way. It just that she saying that she doesnt like me, she like me as careful friend. But im stilling not sure about it..As we are right now, i dont talk to her that much. Because i think she knows that i really dig her girlfriend Alyx..She is really beautiful and her personaitly is awesome, because iv heard enough about her. We hug so many time, and i like her hug and her smile.

Its just werid that i like my ex crush’s girl. Its kind of hard because Amanda and I are friend..and Alyx  r her girlfriend. And im not tell anyone that i really really do like Alyx. Uggh why its has to be so hard…
Geez, I hope things are gettting better.

Ive considered to writing in every week, skip one day to take a rest.

who is she?

A girl’s personaly is goner like a plain wall paper, she cried so hard, she lost her soul, and her heart is broken, and her brain isnt working anymore. She worked so hard to try get her own friends back, but nothing really works, she is very confused about her life what gotten happend to her, why her friends isnt act like her true friends anymore, why they dont talk to her like they did before, why they dont hang out with her like they used to..she is very sad whole the time, she tried to ask HIM for help..almost everyday she pray..but she think that HE knows its not the right time, but she kept asking…her emotions gotten out of control, when she is mad,depression,upset, crying all she want to do is screaming very loud like it would crack whole glasses in the world. Entires the another country, people were scared and worried. The Girl is very upset and want her old life back as usually but it wont work. She kept thinking about suicidal herself, she kept try and almost did it but her holy spirit stoped her. she cried for all her friends, she really misses them but she dont know what to do now, But most of all, i want to actually know myself again.

rebirth years

tomorrow, tomorrow isnt new to me anymore.

 

 for tomorrow, happy 17th birthday to me.

a messing family from my parents sides, arent getting along…
theres no friends….i dont know if they will even show up..i hope they all can..being there for me and my birthday.

but i hope theres no agure between my parents..
and i’ll be alright….

Happy Birthday

There’s 21 more days untill my birthday, throught my child and teenager life, i had been experience many things like, had my first kiss, traveling out of state, smoke my first marijuana, first drunk, and first sex everything in my life, i had been so suffer with the world. in 21 more days, i will be seventeen, it will be my last year of teenager life, i want get chance to felt this world before i leaving teenager life to adult world, like its a real world that everyone is standing in together.

man, im sure so exciting and nervous same time.
I want to experence many things, then i will learn more things after im turn to eighteen in 2009.

please come out, I must tell somebody!

whatever i did, it didnt mean anything to you.
I told you, you dont need me,
im just sicking of this shit,
i just cant choice both, i care for one other.
i do care you, it just i dont know you enough.
I know its odd, but really i dont.

you dont need me, you have other friends who will be there for you.
i had other friend who i will be there and i will still do.
im sorry if you dont understand me, i need something new, i dont even want lose this person, so i had to do something to kept this person happy with me.
But it still isnt working, because i still had you stuck with me.

I know you love me, and i do love you, but i just want to be single friend.

but one thing, im just so sick that you just had someone else that is better than me so you can tell them about everything, which isnt their business to know. Its ours. It still has been that and iv been giving up with it.

a kiss for a kiss

Today, after school my friend dared one freshman boy to kiss me.
I thought it would never happens.
But till she said to him
“you are so PUSSY!”
He was ” noo im not, she is pussy!!”
I was like, “haha no i wasnt, go ahead”
he said “well the staffs are around here its too dangerous”
I said “well this is High School, we do whatever the hell we want to, fuck them”
He was like “ahh!! im shyy”
I said ” ok whatever i knew it pbbt”

I went to my locker
when i closed it,
he was right there,
and he kissed me.

For that time, it was SO sloww and pause inside my mind.

I thought ” omg here its comes”
and its was wonder kiss.
no matter what, he is cute than i thought

inside my mind, i really cannot explain but its so tender and sweet, that kiss might makes my heart so swell but that kissed drives me into unexpect passion. It made my stomach flutter. And i felt the kiss is so full of bliss.

on a very raining day

I took this, 
I love this,
I own this,
It had my feeings inside that kind of picture.

I just cant explain how it is felt like.
Its felt like miracle day.

i want to screaming on the top of mountain

Its hard to tell,
from inside me
i feel, i’m lost.
I dont know who i am anymore.
I feel like,
I need a hugging
I need a smiling
I need a Wisdom life
I need a true friend with me
I dont even understand why
i feel obession and sad
at the same time during,
I dont understand that
i’m hiding and crying
I had a bad wisdom with myself
i make people unsatisfied
I dont make myself happy at all
im so lost.
I need a true friend who will mind to listen and helping.

I have nobody to tell to,
they seem dont so..
its hard to be not like the same girl,
who i used to be.
I want to be the same girl
that open the world to everyone
who i love and loved
Thats girl who is being cheerful and happy.
The shine on her face when she smiles,
The warm blood amoungs people when she giving a hugging.
The same girl, who rocks everybody’s world.
is all gone.

It isnt even me anymore.